But why do you want so much garlic?

I've been very busy working on my farm plan.  I am a very good farm planner.  I am a very poor farmer. 

I have been working on garlic.  I bought three heads of seed garlic on ebay and was able to plant TEN cloves, so I will have TEN heads next fall.  Not much of a money maker there.  SO, I ordered SIX more heads from Johnny's Seeds (with shipping it was like $30.00-ouch) so I will have a total of THIRTY-FOUR cloves planted, so I should get THIRTY-FOUR heads next fall.  Still, barely enough to keep the vampires away.  BUT, I figured if I plant the cloves from the THIRTY-FOUR heads in the fall of 2010, then I will have ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-SIX cloves to plant, and then in the fall of 2011, I will have FIVE HUNDRED FORTY FOUR cloves to plant, 2012, TWO THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY SIX, 2013, EIGHT THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND FOUR, and then in 2014 I will have THIRTY FOUR THOUSAND, EIGHT HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN cloves of garlic to plant.  If I sell half of my garlic at $.50 a head, I will make $8,704.00. and be able to plant the other half for 2015 at which time I will have SIXTY NINE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO heads of garlic and if I sell half and plant half, I will make $17,408.00.   

Therefore, how long did it take Ms. Delores Porches to get from Kalamozoo, Michigan to Lake Titicaca, Peru if she WASN'T wearing a hat? 

Smiles from the (stinky) farm,
Lisa

Books is good...

I went to the library today. This is our library. Kind of cool. It used to be a house and in the children's room there is actually a pool under the floor. I can never get over that. A pool. Under the floor. Weird.

Anyway the librarian and I have this deep connection. She's all like, come have this dark, bitter coffee with me in this dusty corner of the library and we'll discuss the symbolism evident in Proust's early works compared to his descent after the death of his mother and father. And I'm all like, Yes, lets....Ok actually she's like, You owe $1.28 in overdue fees for Nora Roberts', "Montana Sky". And I'm all like, can I get you next time, I'm kinda short on cash. And she shrugs her shoulders.

ANYWAY...I wasn't sure what I wanted to read. So I wandered around and figured out that I would like to read a book about a girl who is not fancy or too-too smart and is very self-deprecating. I like that in a chick. There should be animals in the book. Preferably goats. I do like goats. And romance. I like books with romance. And mystery. Not like Scooby-Doo mystery. Or maybe exactly like Scooby-Doo mystery. It should be not too high-brow and fun to read and not too long, but long enough that it’s not stupid.

It should be kind of a Helen Fielding meets Stephen King and they go visit Barbara Kingsolver for coffee but end up getting drunk on Narraganset and coffee brandy and sending hate email to Lavyrle Spencer. That’s the kind of book I want to read.

But I got this instead...

No, I actually didn't.  Not that I have ANYTHING against bodice rippers.  On a cold Maine night, with a big bowl of buttered popcorn, Lindt chocolate truffles and a bottle of cheap wine, no kids and a big thick regency romance?  Oh yeah, baby. 

I could get this one...

It does say it's a CLASSIC love story.  But no, just not in the mood. 

I like Coen Brothers movies, The Big Lebowski, O' Brother Where Art Thou, Fargo, Raising Arizona, No Country for Old Men...so I'll try this one.

Oh and here is one about a horse and a fox with a jacket on.  IRONIC.  Is that irony?  Yah, I think the fox with the red coat on is ironic.  So there are animals in it.  AND I think they solve a mystery.  Very Scooby Doo.  I think I'll get this one. 

And this is in the non-fiction section, where I rarely venture. 

But there is a goat on the back cover.  So, yeah I think I'll get this one too. 

So I didn't get what I was looking for.  Maybe I need to write a book.

Smiles from the (barely literate) farm,

Lisa

A little late to the game...

Does everyone but me know who Dooce is?  She is a mommyblogger who gets like 300 quadrillion hits a day and makes a ton of money on her blog.  And I hadn't heard of her until June of  Bye Bye Pie wrote about her monetizing her hate mail.  It seems as if not only is she incredibly popular, almost everyone hates her too.  Weird.  Well of course I had to go see what the deal was and I just don't get it.  She's cute and her kids are cute and her dogs are cute and she takes lovely pictures.  She says some swears that make me raise my eyebrows, but just 'cause I'm a bad swearer.  I just can't say cuss words comfortably, I can't order adult beverages at restaurants either.  But other than her having a strong opinion and being VERY forthright about parenting, I don't see the controversy.  I guess it's just jealousy.  I'm jealous.  She can blog and make a good living and is like famous, kind of.  But I don't hate her. 

Though she recently wrote about her baby making scary GOAT noises.  I take offense to that.  DOTTIE takes offense to that.  Now how would she feel if we accused Stella of making scary Dooce Baby noises?  Not too good, I'll bet...not too good at all. 

Smiles from the (not getting 300 quadrillion hits a day) farm,

Lisa

A totally interesting story that nobody else will find even remotely interesting...

Oooh, that drew you right in didn't it.  I am one of those people whose lives are so terribly uninteresting that I tend to tell stories that were told to me about people that I don't know and so am now telling them to someone else who has absolutely no point of reference and could care less.  You know those kind of people.  Like coming home and telling your husband about some story your coworker told you at work about her neice's cousin Felima Fuddershuck in Oklahoma who has 14 toes on her left hand and works at Hooters?  Well this is one of those stories.  I love having a blog.

I went to the auction yesterday and bought a box lot of three boxes of miscellaneious junk fine antiques.  In one of the boxes there was a set of dishes called Calico Fruit.  After coming home and cleaning them and googling them I found out they were produced from 1920 to about 1960 or so.  I was so excited, I cleaned them and tagged them and drove into my booth at the antique mall with my rare china.  As I entered the store, my friend Cindy, pointed to a large new display.  On it was featured, yup you guessed it, twenty or so pieces of Calico Fruit china.  The owner had been approached by a lady who was trying to sell her collection so she bought some pieces, but not all.  We oohed and ahhhed over the coincidence.  And THEN...about an hour later another vendor walked into the shop and guess what she had in her hands...yup another piece of Calico Fruit china that she had got at the Goodwill.  Obviously the lady who had sold the pieces to the owner of the shop had then taken some to the auction and some to Goodwill.  And they had all ended up in the same store.  How weird is that?  Now that we have saturated the market, none of us will sell one piece of the darn stuff.  Thankfully I only paid $6.00 for my pieces and I got lots of other stuff with it. 

Hey don't say I didn't warn you that it really wasn't that interesting to anyone other than me.  Now did I tell you about by great aunt's sister's dog that died when she was 12?  Well.....

Smiles from the (Calico Freakin' Fruit) farm,
Lisa

Happy Birthday Eve to ME....

As of tommorow, I will be counting down the last 365 days of being in my 30's. Bring it baby, I'm ready. I am a Libra, so I'm a bit of a narcissist, therefore please behold the many faces of....me....

Baby Me gleefully assaulting a cat

Toddler me rocking the pig tails, if I may say so myself...

Me and my little brother doing a stirring portrayal of The Brothers' Grimm tale,  The Very Happy Children

Eighth grade me wearing blue eyeshadow and hoping my mother doesn't notice when we get the pictures back.  By the way, she does.

Not me, but I found this while digging through pictures.  LOOK at those hands!  Oh my Big Bud.  Ok, back to me...

High school me, permed, tanned and though you can't see them, rocking those acid washed jeans...

Me with my brand new 1989 Subaru-could I be more cool?

Me on my wedding day.  This picture is so indicative of our relationship.

 

And me with one of the people I made...

I can't wait to see what the next 39 years are like and when WILL acid washed jeans make a comeback?

Smiles from the (YOUNG) farm,

Lisa

A conversation with this child...

She: Should I put a band-aid on this?

Me: What? That two week-old, 4-centimeter scab?

She: Yeah. It hurts when I touch it.

Me: Don't touch it. (Yes, I have a dual degree in rocket science and child behavior)

She: But, I can't help it. I don't know why. If I put a band-aid on it, THEN I wouldn't touch it.

Me: (with a puzzled look on my face) If you keep your eyes closed does that keep you from sticking knives in them?

She: (walking away) Yeah well, I think I'm going to put a band-aid on it.

Me: I think you should.

She: Yeah.

These conversations happen a lot.

Smiles from the farm,
Lisa

Have I told you about my dog?

No?

Well that's because I don't have a dog! I want a dog. Real bad. Just a little one. But you know how you want something but you have to get some other things in order first? Because you're an adult and that's the way you're supposed to do stuff? Sometimes it stinks being a grown up.

Well this weekend the Bangor Humane Society had a fund raiser called Paws on Parade and my favorite dog in the world was in it. This is Ruby.
She is the dog I would have if she didn't already belong to my friend Cindy.

We went to the parade to cheer Ruby on. Please don't tell her, but in the midst of this sea of bassets, I had a hard time telling her from the rest~~Sorry Ruby!

I am partial to dogs who wear sweaters...

and sunglasses...

and dogs with pretty smiles...

I really like gigantic, mutant horse-like dogs

and dogs with pretty hair cuts...

Oh, and who doesn't love little baby golden dogs?


Sigh. Have I mentioned that I don't have a dog. And that I really would like to have one...

Hmmmm, I wonder if I could get Dottie to wear a sweater?

Baaaahhaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa, snort, snort, HA!

No, most definitely not.

Smiles from the (dogless) farm,
Lisa

Dear Mr. King, I am not a stalker...

Scary Saturday

Well I had plans for a lovely day at the cemetary today, but the rain kept me away. So to show how much you all mean to me, I did something today that no self respecting Mainah' does. I pulled up to Stephen King's house and took pictures. I had to circle the neighborhood a couple of times to gather my courage (ie: make sure no one was watching).











I'm not sure what's up with the six foot frog. Oooh scary.

These are his neighbor's shacks...it really is sad how some people live.


Smiles from the farm,
Lisa

Please remember to have your gourds spayed or neutered

So last year Big Bud went on a kindergarten trip to Treworgy's orchards where they were able to pick one apple and one pumpkin. Woo hoo, thought I, being the snotty wanna-be farmer that I am. They also got to pet a goat and look at baby chicks. Pffft, big deal.


So we went home and displayed his "pumpkin" on the sink window sill until it went a little punky. Then I threw it in the compost pile.

One year later, we have gourds....lots and lots of gourds.



Smiles from the farm,
Lisa

Why Dottie will never be America's Next Top Model...

So Margaret at Nanny Goats in Panties got her gift, so now I can show you...


Remember she sent me a pen? Read about it here.

So I told Dottie what I wanted was for her to stand next to the bag, cock her head toward it and put some sparkle in her eyes.

Me: Ok, Dottie stand right here...
Dottie: No.

Me: Ok, that's good, now look up at the camera...

Dottie: No.


Me: Smile with your eyes Dottie! Smile with your eyes!

Dottie: No.

Me: Work it Dottie! Work it!

Dottie: No.

Me: Don't eat the bag, love the bag Dottie, BE the bag Dottie!

Dottie: No.

Me: Where are you going?

Dottie: I quit. I just can't work under these conditions.

Me: Fine, where's Stella?

Dottie: Oh, please.

Smiles from the farm,
Lisa