Last Saturday Big Bud had a seizure. I remember when I was about seven years old a kid punched me on the bus, right in the stomach. I couldn't draw a breath. This is just about how I felt on Saturday. The entire world shrunk to fit on the head of a pin and seconds were hours, minutes were months. The rest of the day was spent at the emergency room and all I could think of was next week, next month, next year. All I could do was cry. I cannot put a band-aid on this, kiss it and make it better, I cannot change this.
For days I have held my breath waiting for another one and when they come I still cry. I have begged God to stop them, I have bargained with him. I have hated him. But as time and experience does, I have learned and adapted and adjusted. I don't cry as much now.
In fact, we've taken to calling them "episodes". Episodes aren't as scary. Episodes are like when Elaine needed a Square to Spare, and Saturday morning reruns of Johnny Quest. Episodes are our new normal. Like the one where we tried to keep a portable EEG machine attached to a very active 6 year old for 48 hours. And during the said 48 hours there was, of course, no recordable episodes. Shortly after ripping all the wires off of his head, they started again.
I'm tired and my stomach hurts and I'm trying really hard to find some solid ground. For a chick who was obviously chasing butterflies when they handed out the patience and grace, not so easy. Do-able, just not easy.
Still smiling,
Lisa
I've been there so have no words that will make it better. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you will get to the bottom of this.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your son having seizures. We have been there and done that. My son is now 32, he had his first seizure when he was 13. It's not easy. You will continue to cry, think of what did I do wrong, why is this happening to my son, so many what if's. You will come to a point that his medication will work, he will be seizure free but you will notice that you keep that breath inhaled and never quite relax completely. Richard has been on dilantin for many years. He has been seizure free for the last 15 years. It's not easy. You can do it. You have to, no other choice. I will keep you and Big Bud in my prayers. You can do this!
Kelly
We are praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know we've never met, but I'm really not that far down the road from you. If you need anything at all, I'd be more than happy to help in any way I can.
Goat prayers for you and all the Peanuts you can hold. You are NOT alone even though you may feel like it!
ReplyDeleteTucking you into prayer; this is frightening but you will find the answers.
ReplyDeleteLisa, my heart is aching for you and your family. I know you feel broken, but one day at a time, one step at a time. Don't think about tomorrow, just get thru this day. I am praying for you and hopeing you will all be alright. Altho it feels like it, you are not alone, Char
ReplyDeleteLisa, Saying prayers for your precious Big Bud. He's in good hands, you're a wonderful mommy. Just wish it wasn't so scary for you right now. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Lili
ReplyDeleteI wanted you to know that you are being thought about today along with your family as you struggle to understand what is happening. I am keeping you and yours in my thoughts and in my prayers. I hope you find the answers you need very soon, God Bless you all, Char
ReplyDeleteOh Lisa, how difficult for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, and in my thoughts. Things will get better. Hugs, Kathleen
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know you guys are still in our prayers. If there is anything we can do just give a call or email
ReplyDeleteKelly