Most of the time, I am.
But sometimes, I look at the angle of his jaw and the way the muscles in his neck stretch when he turns his head. I wonder what he would be like if things were different. Would he be funny or serious? Would he be naughty, but so damn charming that you couldn't stay mad at him? What would his voice sound like when he needed me? Would he call me mama or mommy or mother? Would he be artistic? Would he play the guitar, like his father? What would a Kool-Aid mustache look like on his upper lip? What kind of young man would he be? What kind of girl would he bring home? What would he want to be when he grows up?
Most of the time, I am strong. But sometimes I mourn the man he will never be. I curse the fragile organization of DNA. When I hold him tight as his body convulses in seizure, as he falls asleep, exhausted from the exertion...my back sore from carrying him, I am not strong. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my strength again.
Oh Lisa, he is so cute!! You don't know that those things won't happen. Maybe one of them will, or all of them. Maybe better things than those will happen. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Hold on to him tightly and just love him. He is a miracle, Char
ReplyDeleteAh, but you ARE strong. Even when you think you are not, you are probably 100x stronger than any of the rest of us could even imagine being. Char is right. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Just remember that it isn't the 'things' that matter - it's about knowing and feeling love. And he most certainly KNOWS that.
ReplyDeleteYour ability to embrace your mourning and ask questions that won't be answered is a mark of your strength. When you need your strength it will be there, even if you can't see that today!
ReplyDeleteI've just been reading your blog a little while and find your candidness and humor inspiring. There is strength in truth and in admitting our weaknesses.
HE is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAnd YOU are amazing.
Lisa you are so strong. At times you may rant and yell why. You have that right. There are no answers as to why. Just that it is. No other reason. You are a great woman with unknown strengths. He has forever touched your life as you have his.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting us in. Continue to be strong
ReplyDeleteThere is so much love in this post Lisa. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your beautiful son. xo ~Lili
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