Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Where's My Flux Capacitor?

Hello 1990 Lisa.

Um, hi. Who are you?

I am 2010 Lisa.

Wow. You look…tired.

Yeah, it’s been an eventful 20 years.

So, you’re like going to be 40 on Sunday?


Wow. That’s old.


But we’re alive-heh-heh. That’s something right?

I guess.

Your hair isn't gray..

It’s dyed. Your bangs are big. 

That’s the look I was going for. It’s timeless.

No, no it’s not.

Whatever. You’ve put on a little weight.

Four kids.

FOUR?! What the hell.

I know. Sometimes I can’t believe it either.

So we must be rich. Who would have four kids without a ton of cash?

Uh, well. How much money do you have in the bank right now? Never mind, don’t answer that. You may want to invest in something now.

So we’re poor?

Well sweetie, we sure ain’t rich.



Did I finish college?

Yes.  Slowly at night and while working a full-time job.

Oh, well that's good.  Did I ever finish writing that novel?


I'm probably not married to JFK, Jr.

Uh, no he died in 1999.

Oh no.

Yeah, sorry.  You would have totally had a chance had he lived and hadn't married someone else.

Who else?

Um, Princess Di, Kurt Cobain, Chris Farley, Freddie Mercury, Jerry Garcia, Audrey and Katherine Hepburn…

Okay, that’s enough! Holy crap.

Michael Jackson.

No way.



Well yeah him too, but didn’t you already know that.

Funny. I was kind of hoping we’d grow out of that “wit”.


So who did I marry?

Remember that guy from high school?  Big head, dressed up as Jimi Hendrix and played the Star Spangled Banner on the guitar at Homecoming and upset all the little old ladies, drove that beat up Toyota pick up?

Oh no.

Yup, you are Mrs. Big Head.

And we have four kids?

Well, there are two little Big Head's.  Before that, 1993 to 1998 were our years of poor decision making and not trusting in our instincts and the subsequent creation of two people who are pretty cool in spite of it all.

Sounds rough.

It wasn’t fun.

But everything’s cool now? We okay? The kids are all good?

Well, we’ve learned a lot about genetics and mutated DNA and auto-recessive genes. The important thing is that you will learn patience beyond what you believe you are capable of. You will learn how to appreciate what you have and to live each day with as much grace as possible. You will find peace most of the time and you will one day figure out how to forgive yourself for the days when you can’t. At least I hope so. We should probably talk to 2030 Lisa about that.

Uh, I’d rather not. *shudder*. She’s like ancient.

True, she’s probably napping.

I’ll bet she uses Depends.

Definitely.  Four kids, remember? Two with Big Heads?

Yuck.  So any advice?

Don’t get a tattoo.

Do we have a tattoo?

No, dummy I just told you not to get one.

Yeah, but if you don’t have one, doesn’t that mean that I didn’t get one?

Well if I didn't tell you not to get one, you might have gotten one and then I would have one and I think I would regret it.  I don't know...this time travel stuff is confusing.

So it sounds like life pretty much bites. I didn’t accomplish anything I wanted to, I’m poor, chubby, have sick kids and can look forward to peeing myself on a regular basis.  At least I can hide behind my husband's big head. 

I guess it looks pretty bad from where you are right now. But dude, it's really not that bad.  A lot of it hurts like hell sometimes but at the end of the day when you fall into bed and your eyes close before your head hits the pillow and you know that you are squeezing every ounce of life from what you have been given, it makes you feel consequential somehow. Live it. 2030 Lisa may wear diapers and sleep with 37 cats and a goat at the foot of her bed, but I’ll bet she’s satisfied.

I hope the Rachel is back by then.

Yeah, it won’t be. Rachel doesn’t even wear the Rachel.

No way.


Happy Birthday, Lisa.

Right back at ya.

What was the thing about the goat?

Don't even ask.

Smiles from the old lady's farm,


  1. Lisa, I love your sense of humor, and I love your views on life.
    Lisa twenty years ago...big bangs
    Lisa twenty years from now..wet pants
    Lisa today...PRICELESS

    Hugs, Kathleen

  2. sooo funny! Happy Birthday! It got me thinking,if my 18 year old self had a conversation with my 40 year old self...she might run off screaming through the woods !

  3. LOVE this. Gonna be 36 on the 19th myself, still can't believe it. Enjoy your brithday! -J

  4. Happy 40 Lisa 2010! That is the coolest that you will be 40 on 10/10/10.

  5. Happy Birthday! At least you aren't as old as the goatmother - or the Little UnDead.

  6. Happy Birthday Lisa, you're a baby, Char

  7. This was the funniest thing I have ever read! you are so lucky to have such an amazing sense of humor and awesome writing.Im going back to read some more!!!!. xXx